reminder

Over time, I forgot the goals I set for myself for the reason of flying away. I should remind myself constantly that something, especially human nature of some people is never gonna change. So the thing I can do is to leave those things but not trying to change them.

後悔

最近有很多人問我有沒有為過去幾年所做的事而後悔. 我這想答案已經不重要了, 我但絕不想將來後悔我現在的後悔。

lost of faith usually goes in a second

but takes ages to build up

Easy come easy go....the hope i was given for a moment

Immigrating to another country has always been my wish since I return back Australia after gradation. I have been searching different means and ways ever since then too. I was learn that there is a way to immigrate to the US through a program called Diversity Visa Program, so called lottery green card. I search the website, listened to the video program for an hour with a hope of winner one day. I was once believed that if one keep searching something days and night through whatever means available, one can get what he or she is looking for at the end. I almost thought I have experienced this belief. But then when I search through the pages and files, I found out that those who were born in main-land China is not qualified to apply this visa even though they hold HKSAR passports.

Well, that's find. I knew nothing comes easy in my life already. Even I am eligible, I am not gonna win the lottery anyway. It just this up and down happen to fast. It's like you were given a hope and was taken away after an hour. But anyway...that't find.

Situation worse than expected scenario

It looks like the worse scenario that i have set to myself was not worse enough. The scenario that I have imagined, actually not imagined, but expected was 3 months unemployment in respect of work. Now i realized that i have miss the seasonal factors. It is always the hardest time to fine a so called good job at the end of the year because most people will stay in their old situation to get the bonus even though they plan to leave the company. There are jobs of course and the current unemployed rate, 3.3%, which is quite low theoretically speaking. However, most jobs available are either short term or urgently required to fill up some unexpected needs.In other words, these are not "good" jobs.

So I have to reset my coming back scenario, that of course would be even worse than the one I have planned before.

11/11/11

It's 11/11/11, 11th November of 2011 today! We all like special numbers. It's true that it doesn't come easy to to form this special number. I prefer 12/12/12 though, just don't know if I would be still alive by then.

Nothing comes easy

Everything I got, I got it before the moment I almost gave it up.

the best things in life are not possessed, they are free.

A.Word.A.Day


with Anu Garg


My iPad, their Toyota, her house... In a typical day we talk a lot about possessions: having things. The word possess is from Latin possidere, from potis (having the power) + sedere (to sit). So when you possess something, say a patch of earth, you have the power to sit upon it, literally speaking.

The English language has many terms about who has what. Enjoy this week's words that answer "Whose what?" but it's important to remember that the best things in life are not possessed, they are free. We don't say my ocean, his stars, or their sun.

Orlando in his Thirty

When a man has reached the age of thirty,..... time when he is thinking becomes inordinately long; time when he is doing becomes inordinately short. (Orlando, Virginia Woolf)

Old books are not easy to read, but it's so beautiful in writing and the most of them contains virtures in many aspects of life.

Realizing in searching....

I found myself again when I intended to find something. And in another minute, I realized another thing too.
If you don't search the meaning of life, you would end up like most of the people whom only have exististed but not lived.

no more hiding, I'm gotta shine

All the years I have been trying to hide myself from all sorts of events, occasions, people, ceremonies, gathering etc. I have been trying to live a tranquil and peaceful life where I can devote my energy on something I like. But everywhere I go, there is always all kind of dramas going on around me. Looking back, I realised that have never accomplished what I have chased for. I more I tried to live a quiet life, the more mess occurs around me. I doubt I have done were against the nature and had gone a long wrong way.

Maybe I should try to shine, but not to hide.........

no title

Have been sick for 3 weeks, I finally feeling almost recovered today. In bed with my drowsy head and foggy mind, those days I wonder if would just die in the middle of sleep and somehow wake in another world. But I didn't die. How said was I to perceive that I am in the same hell?

I realized that medicine is not just good for my body, but also nice to my brain. It decreases your feeling to everything, food become tasteless, sadness and happiness are no longer the two opposed emotions, everything has lost it exact means to me. Sleep in the only thing ever I wanted.

It's just nasty to find out I am still in the shit after a flu-drug-hangover...........damn  

Change-shift-drift-----

Life is full dramas. Even with a little monotonous life like the one I am having could sometimes changes scenes quickly, regular things could suddenly turned around out of blue.

After resignation of colleague L, the office, most of daily tasks have to go through me as I am now "the most experienced" person in the office now. There are more extra workload than ever. Plus my issue with the visa, things get pretty complicated.

All in a sudden now, I have to leave Sydney and come back in two weeks time in order to enable me to stay longer. The drama in the little world has let me to believe one true thing, that is, this world dynamic, everything is floating, truth does represent fact, facts are not necessarily true, yes doesn't mean right, no doesn't mean negative. In a nutshell, there is no absolute definition in every perceivable fact or truth.

懷念小時候的任性

小時候那任性， 屈强的的我，今天都好像不見了。
長大了，我們是否都變得軟弱了，那骨氣都消散了。
日子活得越得久，想說的話好像越少。
嘗試去生活，嘗試不只為了吃飯而生活。
然而多少事，留下來的只是一堆感慨。
那一刻，只想回到小時候，找回瀟灑我。

After day light saving

The clock has been moved one hour back yesterday to end the day light saving. From now on, the sun sets one hour earlier and which also mean the night comes earlier, we have short day time. When I walk out the office today, it was already dark. The darkness and the cool breeze send me a strong feeling of lonliness on my way home all in a sudden. I felt I am living but also don't know what I am living for. It the same kind of emptiness that falls in right after the last light disappear.

Winter is approching. But where am I heading to?

Record of depressed days

Depression has attacked me these days in the beginner of Autumn. I am especially emotional, overly sensitive to almost everything I encounter daily. I saw a dead possum on the road to work and a dead Australian parrot under a tree near Hurstville Station. I was about to believe that they were the apocalypse to the end of the world. I am not sure if the negative feeling that I am perceiving  now is due to the gloomy weather or because of those recent awful natural disasters. Everything in my eyes is grey and nothing worths a smile, a laugh or a sympathy. Sleep wasn't good these nights too. A through night sleep has become a precious sweet dream. The book I have been reading has only move a few pages. Rolling my eyes from one line to another demands a lot of concentration. I tried to draw my attentions to the classical musics. Some help made by Bach, others were useless. I wrote a few lines after trying to switch my energy to writing Chinese traditional poem. But it seems the poem brought up even more sensations. My toy, Rubik's Cube could not bring as much as joy as it did before. I doubt if there is any other way I can switch my emotion from negative to positive. May time helps........

Blank

The joy and pain could go together when I have to put something into one sentence. The feeling becomes effective again when I release what I feel and then I feel it again when I read it through. This is thr problem of writing.

Man made war VS war against nature

One side of world, far north in Japan, human beings are flight their lives against the aftermath of 9.0 earthquake plus tsunami took place on 11th of March, on the other side of the world, the coalition force of France, the US and UK has launched attacks at Libya today. Today, 20-March in half of the world and 19-March in the other half of the world, with the biggest and brighter moon in 19 years, human beings still are fighting, one for their own lives, one for others lives. I am sure if we are we living in the civilized world that is advanced from barbarism?

Personally, my mind and body are fighting each other. I woke at 4am this morning, not sure if it's due to the heaviest down pour in some 3 years in Sydney or because of some other reasons. I played some games from my phone and surfed Internet with my laptop for about an hour. Although I managed to get back to sleep about 5am, I didn't sleep deep and got up at 8am on my holiday. My body and mind don't cooperate and work in the same clock. Strange enough though, I don't feel a least bit sleepy today with such an irregular sleeping habit. I read quite a lot, but had no serious thing done. I hope it's not bad to end the day.

......

Believe or not, it's addictive to watch disaster videos of Japan's terrible erathquake and tusnami. I can't help watching the clips from CNN, one after one.......

the quake

I am completely overwhelmed. Looking at the images of Japan's Earthquake and Tsunami from the TV, I am still shocked, after 3 days the quake took place. Mother earth is so powerful, it can take everything away you ever have, including the faith you have to lead a proper life. Living in an area constantly under the threat of natural distresses, most people would avoid long plannings.  Now that Japan has a risk of nuclear release that might affect a wide range of residences nearby too. The word catastrophe does not have enough meanings to describe the current statues of the Japanese people. There is a aftermath they have to go through in future.

Sigh..... human beings are just some powerless creatures in a blue spot in the magnificent universe. Everything I see makes me feel so small, helpless and weak.

Is there a god who is going to take over everything soon?

the abnormal beats

Trying to conmort my self. Relaxing my heart and mind doesn't seem aneasy thing to do these days. I hear my heart beating, I know it's been in the status of restless for a while, but I don't know what is the cause. Is there something going to happen? Something bad would fall on me? I don't know I can relax myself, and so I can't enjoy life, not in a bit.

I am here alone, my life, my body is all I have. What can I worrry? What do I scar of? I own nothing, and so I have nothing to lose.

I shouldn't have anything to worry, but I just can't easy my heart, can't slow down my heart beat. Why?

Live music from next door

Tonight we have fantastic live muisc from our neighbour. We were warned that could goes on til mid-night. We are feeling like in a great band show. I don't mind people have some fun during the weekend, particularly the kind with artistic content, I am not bothered with the noise. The thing that I am not completely happy is that they didn't invite thier neighbours, us. haha... Maybe I should join them striaght away.