Fired but no blood

Today is a sad day, although I am not the one supposed to say that. But still, I feel sad. Someone is fired because of a careless mistake in buying flight tickets. Someone has gone, something has changed, irreversible.

Sigh-is the only sign I can release.

Like Kevin Rudd said, at least there she is not blooded. Let not take it too serious. Maybe it is a good thing after all. May god bless her.

Fair enough

Life won't treat me nice, I knew that, long ago. I never get one thing easily in my whole life. I walked through everything single step, whatever on the floor, I stepped on it. That's my life! It asks me to give it all myself first, then it grants me the right to request. Fair enough! I won't get a fortune without hard working, equally, I won't get terrible bad lucks if I haven't done something seriously wrong.

The hope of getting a PR has now vanished. Ironically, I lost the chance because I found out there are many options available. Don't laugh, it's true. Things get dramatic in ridiculous ways and you want to fuck it and damn it.

Now I found eternity in the everything reality. There is no stability in truth.

Okay, that's fair enough. Life, you won't beat me anymore now.

Risk

Who doesn't want to live in the comfort zone? And wants to live in a constant worry situation. But then, everything involve a risk, in some scales, in some aspects. Taking a risk in a decision making is not all irrational, but rather, it is usually the last option left. Life goes on, and decision makings are the steps that carry life moves forward.

I decided to take the rist today. I am scared and worried of course. But I believ I would not forgive myself if I gave up this trying. I have gone all the way to just want to live here in fact. I can't let, not this, not at this point of my life.

After all, isn't life an adventure itself? This step is just one I should take.

It's Christmas time...almost

3 Houses have lighted up their houses in Carrington St. to make up the whole Penshursts more Christmas. With a Church at the end of the street and the cross at the top of the church, everything in the area looks more like in the season especially at night. I walked out tonight and realized that Christmas is almost there and the year of 2010 is going to end as well. Time-is still something that I am unable to grasp.

I am feeling kind of lost after staying here for more than half a year. Why is everything still unclear and hanging around. It's so hard to get a stable life. I realize the fact that change is the only eternity, it's just not easy live with it.

Miss my cat

No one compares to my cat, all the human beings are nothing. We share this interdependence and intimacy in one simple unit, tears and laughter, chasing and resting, all sort of crazy thing between a human and cat. We were so close.

Nobody, but my cat, knows how bad I miss it. Baby take care of yourself.

On the way to work and home

If you walk the same road 6 days a week, back and forth, repeatedly for 6 months, you will not just familiar with the surroundings, you could also recognize some faces. Sometimes, these faces are kind of already absorbed into the scenes. I find bored with everything on the road already, but they are not necessarily unworthy for mentioning.

There is a young tall lady I use to come across at 9:15 am on the forest road. Sometime she walks on the other side to be under the shade, sometimes we are under sunshine on the same way. I would come across a health slim middle-age man with cup of coffee take away if I leave home early or he comes office late. He uses to wear cortex Colombia water proof rain coat which I wanted badly in NZ, while the girl seems prefer neat and casual dressing.

The road between my home and office could be long or short, depending on the weather and my emotions. Luckily, I enjoy walking in most of the time of my life.  

Just wanna be grounded

After all the drifting and travelling, I just wanna be grounded sometimes. I am not a bird without legs after all.

Hanging

My life is hanging around in the air now. My visa expires in 5 months and I cannot work at my currrent job as my visa combines the rule that I cannot work for the same employer for more than 6 months. If I want to get a 2nd visa, I have to work for a fram and strating working immediately. But then, there are so many things I have to follow up at my current job. Although my boss agree to sponsor me for my work visa, but everything is not started. I tried to ask agent and they are all so mean and they worldn't say a words before you pay.

sigh.... why is it so hard just to live the life i like? I so more qualified than so many dumpies in this country.

On air on 10-Nov

Can't believe I got a chance to join a radio show in Sydney. I was on air at 9:30am, 10-Nov, representing the company to talk about New Zealand travelling on 2ac Cantonese Radio Station. The show only last 30min but enough to put pressure on me. First time in my life, my voice gets into the air all over Sydney area, the city I want to call home. I was quite clam at the show actually, as I knew the more I become nervous, the less I would able to express my knowledge about New Zealand, the country I recommend everyone to go for a relatively wild holiday.

Listening back to the show on the computer in that afternoon, I find my own voice so unfamiliar, so not me. Paying attention to the details, I found the way I speak so not smooth, there is something between every single words I said and they are not connected well. I try to think of the reason why. It could be the way that Cantonese is pronounced or my own weakness in talking.

Shitting in Sydney

I miss my car so damn much today. If I had a car, I wouldn't wet my whole body in the pouring rain after work today. It shitting like carzy today. Damn it!

There is no public transpotation between my work place and temporary home, I have to walk for about 25 mins and most of the areas are uncovered. Sydney doesn't rain alot, I used to say that. But I wouldn't say it anymore. It rains so often this year, since I came.

Fingers and toes

Fingers and toes are the most difficult parts of human body to draw. Especially hands, they are so capable in shifting forms and shapes, bending and twisting, every slight movement is a big change. The toughest part, simultaneously, is the most beautiful area.

Engaged Charley and Jay

My friend charley is engaged today, announced on facebook 8 hours ago. This is such an amazing news for the day personally. Good news doesn't come from one friend alone, Heddy is also expected to give birth to her baby son on 13th Nov. Toto is thinking to buy a house or flat with her BF in Melbourne she told me on the phone today. Great!! My friends are all moving from one stage to another, moving their life forward. Good luck with them.

Rainny Sydney

It's been raining very often lately. Showers are predicted over the week. I don't dare telling people Sydney hardly rain now. The temperature has been below average these days too. I like it coo though, 10-20 degree Celsius is the best weather.

I have been drinking heavily lately since I brought this cheap 4.4L box of sweat wine last week. I feel like having a glass every night now.

It's been relatively smooth at work lately, but I wouldn't relax my mind anyway. Everything could happen as things are most unpredictable in that context for me.

I have been reflecting a lot of what I really want to do, if not the rest of life, at least in the coming years. I know the lifestyle I like down at the bottom of heart of course, but there are so many things aren't in my control and therefore I can't really live the kind of life I want straight away. Your boss's heart or emotion is the one of the hardly things you can manage, not sure if it's matches everyone though.

I have got a client today who just wants me to issue the flight tickets and pay whatever the pare I told her. No question, no bargain, no doubt. There are so many things I can't explain logically in everyday context. My clients, my boss and my colleagues, sometimes they are all so unrealistic.

Taurus

Taurus: The power of love is at work today and can make some feel extraordinarily sexy and desirous. That your intimate relationship should benefit from this goes without saying! And if you happened to start a new relationship today, then you can expect it to be unusually intense. You should have a lot of get up and go today too, so you should pursue your ambitions vigourously. www.AstroZone.com.au "Quote from SMH.com"

 

Hum.... Sounds lik a day that I should feel like living lively..... though kind of hard ......

don't wanna end October

break
through
move
stay
confused
peace
help
alone
......
how to conclude the end of october?
I can't simply draw a full-stop
so many things haven't done and haven't settled done
and i only have two hands, my own two hands
and the heart not even dare to hope
november ..... oh november

A productive rainy day off

Unusually, I have got this Sunday off and fortunately it's raining all the day. But a rainy day off doesn't mean a shitty day, it's been a productive day today.

I practiced my work intensely today, focused on human hands, the most difficult, but challenging part. With 2 cups of coffee, I managed to focus on details very well.

Human hands are so interestingly complicated and diverse. Skin, bones, nails, texture, thickness, length, so on and so forth are all distinctively different from person to person, not to mention each pair of hands is capable of difference fields. God must make human hands with his/her own hands with great details. 

A good night sleep

Maybe all in my life, I am just seeking a decent place where I can have a good-night sleep every night. Maybe all the purpose of my little life, is just to fulfil this simple aim. Yet, ironically, it's not even close to my dream.

Everywhere I stay, in the hectic city or green countryside I would have noisy flatmates/housemates or neighbours making sound in all possible ways at all different times, slamming the doors, dropping tiny little things, opening fridge loudly at the middle of the night, and the list goes on. I have earplugs to minimize the columns from the surroundings already, but there are always noise to wake me up all the times.

Why do we need to sleep? Why am I feeling sleepy again, but I want to write more. I need more time to do my personal word. I need the vitality to carry on this practice to reach my final end which I set for my little life.

I don't beg god for more time to live, but more energy to carry on my night work. Please.....

Is life that boring?

When everybody complains that life is boring, I finally find some spare time to practice my hobby and making life a little more interesting than ever here in Australia. I have so done with those so called loneliness. Enough. I am numb now.

My married colleague and my single fiends are all telling me they are bored. Busy working city life or relaxed western lifestyle, they all feel bored every now and then. Some sound so desperate. Is life that boring?

Positive mental illness

Falling in love is a mental illness that results in having sweet feelings.
There is no need to deny that are all sick in one way or another. Sick or well is just different ways in description and preception, like a half full glass of water would be viewed as half empty.

What if I died tomorrow?

This has become my motto recently. What if I died tomorrow? This is possible, no joking.

I could die anytime. I could run over by a car when I crosse the road. Anything falling from the sky could hit and kill me instantly. I could be robbed, stabbed, and died from lost of too much blood. I could have a heart attack after running and die straight away. I could die in many other ways, too. It's rather a miracle that I survived today.

Nothing matters any more if you realize it. Nothing hurts anymore, everything is just an incidence in the course of life. It's okay if you have lead a life to the upmost level out of your capibility.

Day-off at Antie Lydia's Place

Nothing nicer than going to antie Lydia's house on my day-off. Yesterday was one of the good days there. They prepared BBQ dinner for me and one of her friends and her friend's 2-year baby. Simple but nice and warm. They are so generous and always makes me feel like home every time I go there. I always worry that going ther might bother them and give Lydia too much work though.

Carmen, their daughter is a growing-up girl of 14 now. As a high school teenager, she is now more aware of her academic results than she was 5 years ago, when she was still a primary kid. Competition among schools, comparison among classmates, ranking in the same grade, so on and so forth, all kind of these signals reminding her that this is a world she has to race with others everywhere. Life is not as easy as thoes days. I can feel the pressure she is feeling now actually. Back then, many many years ago, I was one of the teens who experienced the same tough times anyway. Luckily though, she has got considerate parents who support and look after her health and well being. Being a elderly friend, I just want her to know that everyone has their own strengthens and weaknesses. Some are good at music, some are poor language, some might have talent in sports, some might afraid of speech. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. So what one to make the most out from life? How can I passes all the tests that are lying in front of me? In my belief, should make good use of their strengthness and take the given advantages to benefit the community. In other words, we should try not to compare our weakness with somebody else's strengthness. There is no point doing it. On the other hand, we should try to work on our strenthness to build up our self-confidence. For our weakbnesses, we only have to reach the bench mark to fullfill the system requirement. Last but not least, we should not let worries eat away our present days.

I feel I am an old grandma talking about all these. I just want her to know, as long as she has tried her best, she doesn't have to worry too much about the result. And sometimes, it is the process, but not the result, that teaches and gives us the tastes of fullfillment and satisfacations.

She will sooner know that life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get.

My Housemate P

My housemate P has officially moved out today. In Manly, she rent a room and shared with someone else she doesn't know much. The new place is closer to her new school and she can save a lot time on travelling.

Thinking that she might not come over to Hurstville that often, I decided to invite her for a dinner after work. We met up at Coles at 5pm and from there, I decided to walk to the seashore which I can barely saw it from the top of King George Road on my home. Although I checked the walk distance to there by Google map is about 38 minute, I was unsure how to get there from Hurstville exactly. Believing that the globe is rounded, that means we can go back to the original point at the end wherever to start, we never scared about getting lost. It took almost an hour to get the shore, and of course, we doubt if that was the right way. But we made it there at 6pm anyway. We sat on the concrete bench and took some stupid photos. The sun sets really fast and it gets dark quickly. Stayed there just a little while, we we walked along Kings George Road back to Hurstville to have dinner at a Malaysian restaurant which just opened a few days ago. The dishes were fine but it only scored 7.5 out of ten from our harsh tasting judgement.

It's hard to have a nice housemate. P is quite a good one and she is quite considerate, kind and beautiful. Sadly but quite frankly, the one who lives with you might not be the one who you have chosen to most of the time in your life, not to mention you like the person or not. I just wanna have a place where I can have good sleep after all. This simple quest could never be early achieved in my adulthood life especially when I have nasty housemates or neighbours.

I think I will miss my housemate P.

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster in which I mean you don't just go ups and downs, you don't have control over it and can't get out it as well. One minute things can go right, the other moment you could be driven to the left. All in a sudden, you might be standing still and starts to fall. haha..... interesting enough, but that's not something wanted by everybody.

I was told to go for a short trip to NZ to work as a tour guide for week this afternoon and then it has all called off tonight, a minute ago. One thing I knew in the minute could be totally different from another minute. I feel like I am a ball, kicking my everyone, to all directions, rolling and rolling. How many things out of my life are in my control?

月下獨酌 ----- 後現代版

月下獨酌 ----- 後現代版

後園一打酒，薯片二三包。
身型且不願，月影無心辨。
月既不善情，獨醉又何妨。
暫棄千秋夢，當醉應及時。
我歌樹聲和，我舞影隨伴。
醉時歡共興，醒後不必認。
逍遙獨遊人，無情勝有情。

Running

Running. I went to running with my housemate after work in this Sunday afternoon. From Penshursts to Mortdale and all the way back, in one and a half hour, we finised the journey and back home with half a chicken for dinner. I am now feeling a little bit sleep, but I felf geat when I was running and at dinner. Any exercise deprives our energy but it gives back more in a positve way afterwards. Isn't it amazing. I love running. I can think, I can talk, I can't left myself up in a strange way when I am running. I have been running in life too. I have run this far to here. I am still running. I am on the run.......

There is nothing I want to keep

Can't remember from when I started to worry about having too much things at home. It was 5 years ago I think, from the day I lost the sense of being at home and having a home.

I used to buy things, a lot of things. Tiny decorative toys, vases, shells, etc., I will buy them without thinking too much and worrying about money as long as I think I could present them in a way to make my home wamer and nicer. I also like to collect books, bookmarks, stamps, letter from friends, motto from famous scholars, etc. In my memory, my room was full of papers. I didn't worry about if my assect would get stolen, the only thing I scared of was home catching a fire and my collections got burned into ashes.

I don't know what have changed me, I tried not to keep things as less as possible. I brought clothes only for functional use. I only read books which I borrow from the library. Stuffs in my desk drawers became less and less as I threw more things away every time I clean my room. There's no physical things which I want to keep at home or at the place I stay. I wanted to minize everything I had. The less stuff I have, the happier I am.

This motivation gets even strong when I started my travel life last year. Everything I buy I would consider if it would add burden to my luggage when I move on. I wouldn't buy any books since they would occupy large space my suitcase. I try not to buy anything except food for my survival in short.

The idea of keeping things as less as possible attackes me today when I went to buy a pair of shoes and a shirt which I needed to wear at work as required by the boss. With such a feeling on mind, shopping has become a kind of an unpleasent struggle. I should have brought them long ago if that feeling didn't win last time.

Tired. Sick.

I am very tired today. Not sure if it's because of work, or if it's because I lost too much energy on the negative thinkings and tears I shouldn't fall 2 days ago. I never had such a tired feeling in OZ before.

It hasn't been that great at work in Sydney. Not to mention that work envoirnment here is no difference from HK, the boss has also been the most emotional kind I have ever met so far. It seems she has poured over all her worries about her businees over me. I think I look like the kind of being which everybody can attack on. I hate myself sometimes being so weak. But I just not the kind of person who likes to argue, explain and behave like a hypocrate. I just want to be honest to myself. Besides, talk to those who has lost their control doesn't help anyway.

I can't tell how much I hate the Chinese work culture. Nono of the employer respects their employees in my experience. All of them believe shouting at their employees is acceptable in any condition, even if they are wrong themselves. What's on their mind? Why can't they just be a respecatable person who respect everyone as are born to be equal in this world under the law in OZ and also under the command of whatever gods?

Sigh....money is power not knowledge in the dark age like today.

Sigh is the best sign to conclude.

Sigh

The cat

I drank some wine tonight, my brian are not working properly. It's not out of my control, it's not in a stable condition. I can still write and think and analyse how bad/well it is.

There is a cat which likes sitting at the doorway of the house during the time I go to work. I saw it again this morning on my way to work. I came across the road to pad on it deliberatly. Without reasonable reason, I knew it likes me to and sense it that I won't do any harm on it. This gentle touch with a pet, especially with cats, alway gives me some kind of warm feeling. It like someone understand me and able to sense how I feel in some way. Strange. But I can't explain anymore. Sometimes I perfer to go along with cats more than human beings. I doubt if I belong to this world.

After the quake

It's been 3 days after magnitude 7.1 earthquake took place in Christchurch, New Zealand, and still, no one has reported dead due to the quake directly, only 2 seriously injured. This is not not only a piece of serious natural disasterous news, it's also an amazing news. I can't imagine if that size of earthquake took place in China or other developing countries and what would be the death toll. There have been a lot of lucky escapes though.

Can't let out anymore

When you are holding something too much for too long, you could not let it out. There are is a counter effect, especially when you are holding too much emotions inside, you simply lose the ability to make it out. And that's why people get sick and become mentally ill.

Is it already too late for me?

One has to protect once's feeling after all. Your physical life can be saved by others, but no one can save your soul. Your body can be trained through doing exercises, I have no idea how to harden my heart though. I have no emotional weapons to defence myself. Surrounding my hands over my body doesn't seem to help. I can only let myself die and reborn

Two Regrets - Tattoo and Hitchhiking

There are two regrets in my backpacker's life in New Zealand - haven't got a tattoo and tried hitchhiking.

So jealous to hear that one of my backpacker's friends just had a colour tattoo and her ankle. I have long decided to have one just didn't have the right situation. I will design myself for the image.

Most people have tattoo with their own personal reasons as most images carrying meanings. Like everything else, there are people like it and there are people hate it. Having a tattoo always gives conventional people a bad impression and those who doesn't like would never understands why do people like to have some marks on their bodies. Tattoo, in a broader sense, is a kind of body art, a personal performance showcasing everyday, or a form of body decoration. In a negative meaning though, it implies self-hurting and self-punishment. The process can be argued for a negative pleasure, if you like.

This is the moment

This is the moment
This is the day
When I send all my doubts and demons
On their way

Every endeavor
I have made - ever
Is coming into play
Is here and now - today!

This is the moment
This is the time
When momentum and the moment
Are in ryhme!

Give me this moment
This precious chance
I will gaterh up my past
And make some sense at last

This is the moment
When all I've down-
All the dreaming
Scheming and screaming
Become one

This is the day -
See it sparkle and shine
When all I've lived for
Becomes mine!

For all these years
I've faced the world alone
And now the time has come
To prove to them
I've made it on my own!

This is the moment
My final test
Destiny beckoned
I never reckoned
Second Best

I won't look down
I must not fall
This is the moment
Thi sweetest moment of them all

This is the moment
Damn all the odds
This day, or never
I'll sit forever
With the gods

When I look back
I will always recall
Moment for moment
This was the moment
The greatest moment
Of them all

What do you mean by growing old?

To me, growing old is losing the subtle sensibilities that stimulate your feelings and thoughts when you encounter the slightest changes in your usual daily life.

I have so much to say, to reflect on before, everything around me can give me some idea and thoughts and all these feedbacks from the environment make feeling alive. The older I grow though, the less I had the kind of feeling. I almost have nothing to write now. Is this the real truth of growing old?

And where is the zest of life?

Make life fun

People around me are complaining their boring lifestyle lately. They are all kind of sick of their monotonous and fixed route-work-eat-sleep pattern of life, some even told me they are tired of seeing their partner sometimes. Aren't we all bored easily?

We all need some changes every now and then. Different looks, sounds, colour or any slight changes in our houses could fresh our heads and bring little surprise to our life. Fun doesn't fall from the sky, we have to create it. This is one of shared job in the household too.

I agree life is boring but I also believe that it is our duty to make it interesting.

the Error in love

In what condition will one gives his/her most beloved thing/person to somebody else? Unless you believe that it is best ontcome for that certain thing/person right? And the underlining reason that drives you to make such a sacrifice is of course because you genuinely love it/he/she.

Friends I needs and want to be

I wish I can have older friends who can guide and advise me on my prematured thoughts and younger friends who can inspire me in overaged soul.
But first, before I requesting too much, I should be good to all my friends I guess.

Should be glad or regret?

There is something left in my mind that I still can't determite its nature after my friend's visiting. I don't know If I should be glad that it didn't happen or I should regret that I didn't make it happen.

Leave it nature itself.

This has to be continued

I realised one thing today, that is, I should keep writing. I wanted to write so many time on the way home and to work. There have been so much things I wanted to put them into words. Thinking is good, but writing should be better for everything aspect. There must be something worthing remembering right? Even it's a nasty thing, it needs record in the time theme.

Here and today, writing this sentence is not an ending, but a new beginning of my eJournal.