Control....my heart

The hardest part in life for now is how to control myself emotionally and mentally. I have been experiencing fast heart bits for a long while which has been affecting every single side of my life. The fast bits deprive my physical energy which hence burns out my physical energy at a fast pace. As a result I feel tired easily all the time. My overacting heat is the sources of all sort of problems in everyday life lately.

I am trying very hard to easy my easily agitated heart. Every means that could help. At the same time, looking for medical and professional supports. Gee..... I have no resources but the heavily beating heart..................  :(

26-Nov-2010

Looking through the calender and counting dates back, I feel so complicated to realize that I have been here for more than 6 months already.

Now that I have to confess that I have lost my backpacker's identity completely. Sadly I am not a traveller nor a resident here, but I am not detained or transiting too, damn, who am I? 

I have this identity problem which bothering me now.

And again, it's so sad to realize that my fate is on somebody's hand rather than myself.

no title

Sometimes I dream of having many wise mentors in my life when I need some help or have things that I could not sort out. I imagine how would my mentors advise me when I explain them the situation. Deep down I am hoping I would be helped when I am in a bad time. But the reality is that I don't have any mentors who could guide me walk out the darkness. The only light I can find is set myself on fire and burn through the life. 

Sometimes I dream of having a lot of power that I can help those in need and deprived. I imagine I am a powerful person who has great influence over people. Deep down I know it only reflects I feel weak and powerless. 

But I try to dream and hope less. Get my feet on the ground and just walk forward.

Stay Cool

People come people go, people appear and then disappear, people change over time. It is well said that the light heart lives longer, while the heart that worries too much would only hurt itself.

Thirty some years has gone by and I finally come to realize how important it is to take life and things easy. Life is a journey that you haven't given a rehearsal to before you were born. We can only learn it in the course of the live/life journey.

I am learning to trust, to be more specific, trust myself and trust myself blindly somehow. I am also learning not to trust, not to trust everyone even the closest ones. Keep the attitude and expectation neutral. Stay cool.

The only right that I don't have

The only right I don't have is the right of giving up.

What would life be if we have no courage to attempt anything?

Vicent Van Gogh 

34 People at TST

I believe it was the biggest party I had ever joined last night, 34 people or maybe more, in TST. I was much more relaxed this time with my new attitude which I have been trying to live in my life. Take things easy, open to positive opportunities and respect every single being, its all not that hard maybe. It takes persistence to carry on and live it on.

I met the nf who was the first one I had met from this circle last night as well. I paid her back the debt I owe her from our journey in China. Felt good to have something completely settle down. Now that I have put her down to a corner.

The more people I meet, the more I feel this circle is small. People seem know people in a way or another. Anyhow it should be good to know more people for a newbie like me.  Everyone should have at least a story to tell that I could somehow relate to.  

Live

I think I am just trying to live my life now, by that I mean I truly feeling that I am living.